Well, I have been missing from the blog again for a while. Most people who read this blog know why, but I would like to share a more personal account of the events of the past month.
My Mom called shortly after I came back to Alaska to let me know that she was having problems with her eye again (previously she had had a blood vessel floating in her eye that would interrupt her vision at times), and that she would be going in to see the eye doctor soon. After her appointment, she called to let me know that the eye doctor found her vision problems to be the result of a cancerous bump in her eye and that she needed to have her eye radiated immediately. Her oxygen levels were also dangerously low and they prescribed an at home oxygen compressor. She also told me that her oncologist and eye doctor cooperatively agreed that she needed to have many tests including a biopsy on her lymph node by her right collar bone. The biopsy was scheduled for Friday, August 31, 2007. We had family camp out at Bible camp that weekend (Labor day weekend), and for the most part relaxed. Somehow I ended up talking about the seriousness of my Mom's situation to a friend and making arrangements for the little boy that I watch during the day.
When we got back into town Sunday, I had a 2 or 3 messages from my family. I knew that my mom had her surgery and I thought that maybe they had quicker results than they expected. I called everyone back and didn't get ahold of anyone, so I tried again and got ahold of my Dad. He told me that it was serious and relayed all of the technical terms for everything that was going on. He also told me that I needed to call my sister to get a "sister-to-sister" perspective. So I did.
That was when I found out that my Mom was dying, and I needed to get there. They did not have the official results, so there was no time frame or no knowledge of whether I would be bringing the kids with me. Calling my family multiple times per day on Sunday and Monday (while waiting for test results to come on Tuesday) made it clear that I needed to get down to IL ASAP with the kids (plus my Mom asked that I bring the kids with me). I was able to talk to my Mom for about 4 minutes total between Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. She was exhausted and I did most of the talking. I could not wrap my mind around the fact that I needed to be flying down there and quick. I called some friends from church and told them my situation. After 2 phone calls, people started calling me and helping with the details that I couldn't think of. IJ checked to see if I could fly using her sister's buddy passes. Not having the assurance of making the next flight out of here, we couldn't take the chance of the stand-by like policy of flying like that. I could not wrap my mind around what to do next. I had friends who checked the internet for the cheapest prices and friends who called the airlines directly to figure out the quickest way there. When all was said and done, amazing people stepped up to get me and the kids home in a hurry. With Patrick having no paid vacation time at work, we figured that I would fly down first and assess how things were going and let Patrick know when he should come down. Again, amazing things happened (with amazing friend's help) to get Patrick on a plane the next day. I am respecting the anonymity of the people and the greatness of their kind acts as they asked. I will some day be blessed with an opportunity to offer similar help to someone who needs it. I pray that God will bless me with many opportunities to help others and that I will be faithful enough to recognize and obey when God presents me with those times. I cannot say enough thanks to our church family who flooded us with what we needed Wednesday, September 5.
Wednesday, September 5, at about 11:00 p.m., we headed to the airport. Our flight left at 12:30a.m. on September 6 (Phoenix's 2nd birthday). At our lay-over in Minneapolis, I prayed fierce for either our gate to be close or for me to have the strength to get to the gate where ever it was. I had both kids (who had just waken up... meaning Phoenix wasn't awake enough to walk) Phoenix's car seat (which I was thankful we had since he slept rather well in it), a cooler of frozen fish (don't let it fool you, 20 pounds of frozen halibut is heavy with Phoenix being carried on top of it), We arrived in Chicago at about noon, and my brother-in-law was there to pick us up. We were exhausted and starving so we stopped at Denny's for a quick bite to eat (pancakes are never one of the foods that are difficult to get the kids to eat), and we headed to Bloomington.
Jason took us straight to the hospital to see Mom. We arrived at the same time as my grandparents, Aunt Wyonna and Uncle Carroll, one of Mom's cousins, and Aunt Gwen and Uncle John. Doug and Christa arrived just shortly after us. Michelle coordinated people going in to visit Mom because she was too tired for a lot of people at once. After extended family had left, us three girls headed in to see Mom. I had prepared Kira for the sight of Grammy not quite looking like herself and being too tired to talk much. Although talking about it to Kira also helped me some, I was not prepared to see the shell of my Mom laying there. It did not look like her until she opened her eyes. I could see Mom still looking at me, like Mom always has with a little piece of her smile trying to find its way out. At one point, Dad helped Mom to sit up so that she could get to a more comfortable laying position. While she was sitting up, she let me scratch her back and she even managed a sentence to tell me, "that feels good." While she was sitting up her oxygen levels increased to 85, but she was physically worn out from it. We took turns holding her hand while we sang songs from the devo song book that Christa had brought down.
After spending a few hours at the hospital with her, I went to my sister's in-laws' house (thank you so much to the Smith's for helping us) for dinner and to put the kids to bed... they were exhausted, but happy to be somewhere to run around for a bit. I called Patrick to seek comfort from him and to let him know that he needed to be on the next available flight down to IL. While I was on the phone with Patrick, the Carla had brought out cake and cookies with a candle in it for Phoenix's birthday. Finally getting the kids in bed and the Smith's assuring me that they were OK with me leaving the kids with them, Christa, Michaela, and I headed back to the hospital. We talked to Dad at the hospital to see how he and Mom had been doing while we were gone. Dad was going home to get some sleep (since he had tried sleeping on the hospital room "pull out" chair one night previously but to no avail) and Christa and I were going to stay until about midnight when Doug would come and stay with Mom for the next few hours. Christa and I sang to God and swished around our memories to replay times when Mom had impacted us with specific sayings or events. About 11:15, Doug showed up to be there with Mom. At 11:30 p.m., Mom opened her eyes and said, "what are you guys doing here? You need to go home and get to bed." I had not heard her speak that much or that clearly since more than a week before. Mom was still being Mom (as those of you who knew Mom can well imagine her telling us that.) We assured her that we would get rest when we needed it, and she drifted off again. As Christa, Michaela, and I left the hospital about 12:30, Christa told me that one of her prayers had been answered. Not sure what she could have meant since we had already talked about her greatest prayer that day had been that I make it down there in time; she told me that she had prayed that Mom not die on Phoenix's birthday so that his birthday would not carry joy and pain for me. We talked as we drove home about the upcoming days and how we were handling things, and then crashed to bed upon arriving at the Smith's.
The next morning I woke up to the phone ringing, followed by someone opening the door. My Dad called and asked Christa and I to come to the hospital now. I had no idea what time it was, but I put on the closest clothing to me, brushed my hair and headed to the door. my kids were still asleep and I was sure that the Smith's were home, but then I realized that Kira should probably see her Grammy one last time- just as much as I should see my Mom. So I ran back up the stairs, pulled Kira's night shirt off and slipped her into a dress. She stayed asleep and let me carry her to the car and buckle her in. I finally saw a clock and it was just after 9:00 in the morning. Christa, Michaela, Kira, and I drove to the hospital to see Mom. Kira was sleepy, but I had slipped her Crocs on her and she walked part of the way up to the room. After carrying her into the room, I set her in the chair next to Papa and covered her with the quilt that I had brought down to comfort Mom (and me) because it was the quilt I had made for Great grandma. We all sat silently for a while using our own thoughts, prayers, and reflections to keep us company. What seemed like a day passed before we decided to get out the song book again. We sang praises to God, prayed, talked, and comforted Mom for about an hour and a half. Dad held Mom's left hand and us girls took turns holding her right hand. Kira had fallen back asleep shortly after arriving at the hospital. Amanda Wells arrived sometime too and stayed with us.
One of our conversations was about our singing. We recognized our talents (and lack there of) and tried to figure out how to sing one of the songs. I had a horrible cough and sore throat that would not allow me to sing soprano and Christa has a beautiful alto voice. We needed someone to sing melody so that left Doug and Michelle. They were both unsure of their skills and Mom, who had been listening to our conversation, but could not speak due to lack of oxygen, mustered up strength to pipe in "I'm a good soprano." in barely audible tones. Of course, we all knew how much that had to have taken out of her. We thanked her for her volunteering spirit, but encouraged her to rest.
As time passed, Mom's breathing slowed more and more all the while becoming more and more labored. Her morphine breathing treatments were scheduled for every 2 hours to ease the anxiety and pain. At 11:32 Mom took her last slow breath and breathed no more. We were singing her home to Heaven and surrounding her with love. At 11:33 Dad looked up and said, "It's finished." We all stood up and hugged and had a little cry. It was so much more peaceful than I had expected. God provided amazing comfort through us knowing that Mom had been a faithful follower of Christ to the very end. We prayed for comfort and moved on to taking care of what we needed to do. Talking to the nurses and making funeral plans were our next steps. Mom already discussed and had plans made to cover some aspects of the funeral, but over the next few days we would finalize everything.
My Mom passed away September 7, 2007, at 11:33 a.m. I cried. I still cry often, although staying incredibly busy has helped to ease the pain in a therapeutic way. God blessed my life by allowing me to have the family I have and create the family that I have. I am thankful that I had my Mom as my Mom for these twenty-something years and my Mom as Grammy to my kids for the past 6 years.
Now for the perspective changes... I have realized that even though I live in Alaska and my family lives in Illinois, we remain close because of our effort. Sometimes I get insanely busy and then flaky, but one of my sisters or my Dad calls and says hey... do you realize that it has been 2 weeks since we talked? I apologize for those times, and I am thankful for you picking up where I left off. We may not see each other but every six months to a year, but every time that we see each other it feels as though it has only been a day since we have been apart. Thank you for your persisting love.
All of the people who gave to us and welcomed us into their lives and homes inspired me to pray about and think of ways that I may better serve God through serving others. I can now reflect upon the people who gave to us monetarily, gave us airline miles, gave us food and flowers, opened their homes for us to stay, willingly took our children into their homes and kept them for hours while we cleaned and reorganized Mom's stuff and prepared for the garage sale. I am so thankful and wanted to thank people and return favors or pay people back. Things have happened in my life that have not allowed me to do more than give a profound thanks and talk with the people who have been blessings to my life. These dear people allowed me to learn to be more gracious in my receiving. I was told that I was the blessing that allowed them to have the blessing of giving. Following that, they informed me that someday I would again be in a place to help others and when I had that opportunity, I would be more empathetic in my giving.
Also with the thought of remembering that we are not guaranteed tomorrow, we are trying our best not to miss out on events that we might later say... oh I wish I could have figured out a way to... A recent example has been Kira's field trip. I have not been big on asking for people's help in the past, but I found the words to ask a friend if they could watch Phoenix and Ben for the morning while I attended the field trip. Being the friend that she is, she said that she could figure out a way. Then her son came home with his newsletter stating that he had a field trip the same day. I had to decide that I really wanted to go on this field trip and figure out another way for the kids to be watched. I called someone else from church to see if she could watch the kids. She gladly accepted the time to help and came over the morning of the field trip.
Now that my book is ending, I hope to be posting more pictures later.
A cropped version of this picture was supposed to be the card.
The picture that actually went out.
