Here I am at 2 a.m.

I am typing in the blog and creating posts at 2:00 a.m. to create a busy feeling that I have come to enjoy. When things get tough thinking about my Mom and how much I miss her I have found myself busy. My logical side has taken a vacation and my emotional selfish side is prevailing. I miss my Mom and I am sad. I am not crying as much as I once did, but when I do it hits hard. Today, I heard Patrick say "so you're 58 then." to his Dad on the phone while wishing him a happy birthday. I cried a little then with Kira, but I thought that was the end of it. After the kids went to bed, Patrick and I snuggled up and watched an episode of Gilmore Girls. We fell asleep to a second episode and then headed to bed. As I was laying there, my mind went straight to my store of Mom memories. I started thinking about my Mom's last birthday... she turned 58. In a week, she would have been 59. I feel safe in typing to my blog because the only people who read this are people who love me and will support all of my emotional indulgences. It is not a google-able blog, so you had to find it some other way. Anyway, I came down here and got out my video camera to find what video footage I have of my Mom. I watched clips from my trip home this summer, and then found the clips on the computer from last Christmas when Mom and Dad came up here. I cried a lot. Mom never sounded or looked sick or like anything was bothering her. Most of my video was of my kids because I was thinking... I want to capture how they look, talk, and act now because they will be growing up fast. My lesson learned: capture the people I love all around me, because they will not look, act or talk that way always.


That space is for my Mom; she told me once that reading a big long "run on" paragraph that jumped subjects lowered general comprehension and interest. She always edited my papers all through high school and 2 years of college. Even when I would procrastinate and write my papers at the last minute, she would stay awake until 2 or 3 a.m. editing them and I would wake up at 5:00 to correct my mistakes. She was selfless like that. I strive to be selfless like that. I know that I am her kid so it was probably easier to do it for me (or more difficult sometimes because I was difficult sometimes), but she was like that with so many more people. We saw evidence of that at the visitation and funeral and the weeks following. It was also evident that my Dad has affected as many people; his kind, firm, just, and God fearing attitude and example has been an amazing way for me and Patrick to look up to him and learn from him. He is coming up here for Christmas. That makes me happy. I don't know if Christmas will be hard for me, but I am happy that my Dad will be here; so is Patrick.


I know that my Mom's birthday will be hard for me. I can feel it already. My birthday was hard too, but this next week will be full of specific prayers to make it through the emotional side and focus on the logical side that knows my Mom is in God's presence. To help me through Tuesday, we are going to open a Christmas present, watch videos of my Mom and one of our Christmas movies. Mom always wanted to go get the Christmas tree on her birthday. But, as life goes, it didn't always happen that way. Some years Michelle and I just climbed up on the roof to do Christmas lights because we couldn't make it to the Nursery to get a tree that day.


I am hoping that now I will be able to sleep. I need to get a glass of water because my head hurts from crying too much. Logical side is making a come back. Please pray for me and my family this week. I have just given you a look at how I am handling this week. I know that we all have memories tied to different things and some things will hurt me more than others and vice versa so please pray for all of us. Love, Faith